What a Week....

It's been a very rough week, so put it simply. I am challenged every day to reach out to some high school students that have experienced the cruel realities of a harsh world at an unfairly young age. That can be very frustrating to say the least. I am exhausted beyond words. The fatigue is to the point that I know that it is only on God's strength alone that I actually made it through each day this week. The pain is terrible. It's been pretty bad all week, but tonight was the hardest to deal with. Tonight I went to a salsa dance party at the house that 6 of my amazing brothers in Christ live at. These are always sure to be a good time. But the pain was unbelievable. I tried to pull it off for a while that I felt fine but ultimately wasn't able to do much dancing and had to leave early because I was feeling so miserable. It's so hard to accept the defeat of the pain when this happens. It's hard to not be the fun 22 year old I want to be because I'm in too much pain to hang out or dance. It's hard to still not have answers. The test results that were supposed to take a month to get back came in the mail yesterday (a week and a half after I had them done). Everything was negative, which was a shock. Could be good I guess, but still doesn't explain why my ANA level is classified as extremely elevated (between 1 and 40 is normal - mine is 640). It also still leaves no answers as to why I am experience such tremendous amounts of pain and unbelievable fatigue. I have conquered and overcome so many strong holds Satan had in my life. I feel like because of that he has moved on to my body. This is so hard because I feel so helpless. I just have to pray that the physical effects do not effect my mind because it is so easy to let his lies creep in due to the frustration of the pain and lack of answers. I'm also so sick of the division he brings within the body. It makes me mad how he fills our heads with lies and messes up the design God intended for the body. I'm so sick of ungodly gossip and slander that I feel like I can't get away from. I'm not giving up on any of these battles though. I'm waging war!

Through all this, I know God is good and faithful. I'm seeing little miracles that are so encouraging. He is breaking my heart for people which is painful, but makes rejoicing with them in the victories and acts of obedience all the better! He is bringing healing and restoration to relationships I once believed were hopeless. He constantly brings me so much hope - hope for me, for my friends, for my family, for the lost and the broken! I was listening to the radio on my way to the salsa party tonight. The song, Everlasting God, came on saying, "strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord!" There's been a lot of waiting, but God has given me strength through the waiting. I just pray that my strength in Him will continue to rise as I wait for answers, for healing, for relationships to be fully restored, etc. For now He will be my comforter. The enemy will not have victory over my mind. I will not feel lonely and helpless because it does seem like I have no friends and with my family not being Christians I feel so alone. But the Lord is my strength. He is my rock, and He will never leave me or forsake me! Praise God for that!
~Jenna

Please Pray!

Please pray tomorrow! I can't share why yet, but God knows. Pray that He will move mountains and make miracles happen! Because, He can :) My God is mighty to save! Praise God! Please fight with me tomorrow - I really appreciate it! Also please pray for my dear friend, Alyssa, who leaves from Chicago tomorrow morning to work in an orphanage in China for at least 2 years!
Love,
Jenna

The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save; He takes great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17

More Scopes....

I have spent five of the past seven days at the doctors' office and/or at the hospital. Today was yet another doctor appointment. The news - another scope and more tests need to be done. I'm so sick of all of this, but I'm trying to seek the Lord and have a good attitude. May it bring Him glory! Unfortunately, they can't do the scope on February 16th which is my only day off of school before spring break. So, I'm still trying to figure out when it will be done. I can't wait for the day that God gives me a new body!
~Jenna

More Waiting

Well, I thought fibroymyalgia was the answer but there is apparently more. I got the results from my blood work up yesterday and my ANA level was extremely elevated, which indicates an autoimmune disease. More tests were done at the hospital yesterday to determine for sure what is going on. Unfortunately those results will take a month to get. In the mean time they are also testing for epstein barr virus. I refuse to give up hope that God will work through this!

School has been pretty hard lately. I got completely cussed out yesterday. Not that anyone particularly enjoys that, but this is not my passion and calling. I just pray that God will give me grace and strength and most of all that He will teach me how to love these students that I don't really know how to teach or love. Reading journals that they wrote today though gave me a lot of hope that somewhere behind their bad fronts and exteriors are just some very lost and broken teenagers, like I myself once was. Please join me in praying for this individuals! Thank you!

Love,
Jenna

Answers....

I will praise God for answers. Good answers or bad answers, I was convinced I just desperately wanted an answer. I saw a new doctor today, and he gave me the working diagnoses of fibromyalgia. I will get a full blood work up done tomorrow morning and go back to the doctor on Friday. If all of the blood tests come out okay the diagnoses will be fibromyalgia. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of treatment for fibromyalgia and the doctor basically said I will have to live the rest of my life with this pain. That was hard to swallow. Harder than I expected it to be considering I knew this diagnoses was a possibility. I can live everyday in physical pain - I have done that the last 6 years. The scary part is that this pain has gotten so bad recently that it has begun to effect my life. It sometimes takes me hours to get out of bed in the morning. I am extremely exhausted all the time which is a symptom of fibromyalgia, and the more fatigued I am the worse the pain is. I can't always pick up "my" kids which is the most heartbreaking. I know and pray that this will be used for His glory though. And I will rejoice through the pain and frustration because I serve a faithful and loving God. I appreciate all the prayers through this process so much! God is good!
Love,
Jenna

Biopsy Results

The biopsies came back benign meaning there was no cancer in my colon. Praise God for that! But, that still leaves me with no answers. I go back to that doctor next Friday and go to a new doctor at 3:45 today. I'm just praying for answers and wisdom for the doctors.
~Jenna

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future ~ Jeremiah 29:11

I Will Praise Him....

Today has been one of those days where everything hurts. I woke up and couldn't get out of bed because the pain was so intense through my whole body. I finally was able to get up a couple hours later and take a shower. I'm still in a tremendous amount of pain throughout my entire body. But, I have had an unbelievable urge to praise God this morning. Praise Him for a day off, for miracles, for blessings, for life. I know He will use this pain and these trials for good and for His glory! And I will praise Him for that too!

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed ~ 1 Peter 4:12-13

Waging War

I apologize for my lack of posts lately! I've been insanely busy! Things are starting to get a little harder, but that was to be expected with school starting. However, I am still completely blown away and in awe of God's faithfulness and blessings! I heard the song, Waging War, by Cece Winans at church on Sunday. Wow, thank you God! Just what I needed to hear! I am indeed waging war, but it is a war that my Lord and Savior has already won! Anyways, I would encourage everyone to listen to this song! Satan is trying to creep the loneliness in, but I have an surprising contentment with God. I feel somewhat isolated from my family because of my faith. I don't have a lot of other relationships right now. God is working through one friendship I cherished from the past, and I'm so thankful for that. I know and trust that His timing will be perfect for restoring and healing that relationship. Other than that, I have a lot of God time which is good! I've spent a lot of time at St. Francis hospital in Peoria. That has really begun to wear on me emotionally and physically. Two very precious little girls that I love a lot have been there for over a week now. If I'm not there I'm constantly thinking about them, but it's been hard! I know my God is a healer though, and He's gonna take care of my sweet girls! As for me, I fell on ice leaving church Sunday night. My shoulder popped out and then back in which always loosens it a lot. Monday I felt miserable, but it was my first day of student teaching. By the end of the day I felt really sick so I walked to the bathroom and ended up falling and passing out. And when I fell I dislocated my shoulder. So, that's been very painful! I've been fighting through the other pain okay lately though. Please pray for my doctor appointment on Friday! It will be doctor #4 trying to figure out what's going on with my body. I'm hoping for a full blood work up because that has not been done yet. Monday I go to the eye doctor because my vision has been drastically decreasing and next Friday I go back to the doctor that did my scope on December 31st to get the biopsy results. I was blessed to be 1 of 3 student teachers with my sweet supervisor! I was so thankful! She is a Christian and just a lovely woman that cares more about her students than the specifications of her job! She called me this morning and told me not to go to school even though my school had not cancelled since the roads were so bad. Which was also just the break I needed to feel caught up on so many things and relieve a lot of stress! Thank you Jesus :) Please pray for Alyssa too who leaves soon to go to China for 2 years to work with orphans that have special needs! God is going to use her in mighty mighty ways! Be blessed!
Love,
Jenna

Waging War
by CeCe Winans

Anoint my head
anoint my feet
Send your angels raining down
Here on the battle ground
For your glory
We're taking territory
Fighting unseen enemies
Like never before
We're Waging War

I'm tired of principalities
Messing with me
(Waging war)
I'm tired of the devil
Stealing from me
(Waging war)
I promise he won't get
One more thing
(Waging war)
I'm taking it back
Taking territory
(Waging war)
I'm ready for the battle
I'm ready to win
(Waging war)
My weapon of power
He lives within
(Waging war)
I can't be defeated
The enemy's gotta flee
(waging war)
I'm taking it back
Taking territory
Going into battle
Going into battle
Be my sword
Be my shield
As we claim the victory
Over the enemy
In your name
You rule and rain
Never being defeat anymore
We're waging war

Send your fire
Send your fire

Fire by night
Cloud by day
A strong tower
Send the latter rain
Lion of Judah
Lord, God, Mighty In battle
Since you did it back then
We know you'll do it again
We're going into battle
We're going into battle

Waging war

Kisses from Heaven

I don't really know how to even begin to describe the last couple days. All I know is through the ups and downs and surprises, God's faithfulness has been so evident! I feel like He has constantly given me little "kisses from Heaven" as I've heard it called before as encouragement.

A couple of weeks ago I really started struggling with some ungodly things that have been going on in my group of "friends" and in some of my church groups. There were situations that I wasn't sure how God was calling me to handle, and that was really hard. I had a lot of security in those places/groups/relationships because they were familiar, even if they weren't necessarily good. But God's faithfulness and guidance helped me step out of the comfort zone of the familiar into being able to see His heart. So, I had taken some time to step back from these groups and friendships. I didn't have any contact with people from them which worked out okay since it was over the holidays and many people have been gone for various reasons. Then I was incredibly sick and then had my scope and was out of commission again. But there was one friend who I was avoiding in trying to figure things out. She called a couple times over break and I didn't return her phone calls. I figured it would just be easiest to ignore her and sooner or later she'd stop wanting to be friends anyway. It broke my heart to lose one of the only people I consider a true friend, but I thought it would be easiest. You'd think I would have learned by now though, that God often doesn't call us to do what is easiest! So yesterday there is an unexpected knock on my door. It was my friend. She hugged me and handed me a card that just simply but perfectly had Psalm 16:11 written on it. I cried. It wasn't the card or the fact that she had shown up at my door, but it was God's faithfulness, His guidance, His clarity that made me smile and feel and be so thankful for the little kiss from Heaven that guided the last bit of what I needed to do in the situation with friends and groups at this point. A simple act of kindness by an amazing sister in Christ that reminded me how much my God loves me :)

I'm still praying through where God is leading me to be church/friend/group wise this semester. I feel that He is calling me away from some of the ungodly things going on. Not that these groups are bad, because their intentions are solid. But I feel like He is just leading me away from slander and gossip right now. He is reminding me frequently of being on guard against people who bring division among the body of Christ. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all saying I think everyone should leave these groups where there are people doing this. This is just where I feel God is leading me in a new season of life I am entering. This past semester I went to a small group every other Monday, every Tuesday, some Wednesdays, and every Thursday and I went to two church services on Sunday. They all offered great things, but I'm pretty sure this season of life is not going to include all of them for me. So, I'm just seeking God's guidance on where He wants me and where I am going to grow the way He wants me to. He's bringing quite a bit of clarity though, so I'm not worried :)

Yesterday I had a conversation with someone I love dearly (I won't say who out of respect for their privacy) that absolutely took me by surprise! It wasn't easy to hear what they were saying, and it wasn't at all what I wanted to hear. It broke my heart that they informed me that they thought maybe they were agnostic. But God's timing is perfect. Looking back, I can see that that conversation was on the brink of happening for sometime now. The reason it hadn't happened yet was because God was still preparing me and my heart for it. We talked for hours, I got to share my heart and God's truth. Questions were raised that I didn't always have the answer to, but God did not let Satan have any room to creep in and cause doubt in me - when I got home He gave me the verses to read that answered the questions I didn't know specific answers to! I cried, again! Haha, but how awesome is that! And how amazingly faithful is our God! I can't say that this person accepted Christ right then and there as I of course would have loved, but the door is open. And God is moving and I know He won't give up. So I won't either. He's stirring something up, and I'm excited and honored to be a part of it!

I've been very pressed for money recently. I stopped working in November. I randomly worked one day in December but don't have a job for this semester. I was pretty stressed because while I have always ended up being able to pay my bills, it was looking pretty much impossible for me this month. Yesterday I calculated how much money I had to take to the bank compared to how much I needed to pay the bills. I dreaded doing this but was shocked to find out I was only $100 short. I had that much saved so it was going to be okay. Then today I went to my parents' house. My mail from one of my jobs (the one I randomly worked one day for in December) still goes there. I had gotten my check and it was for $96.57! Another sweet kiss from Heaven! Thank you God for always providing!

So let's see, what else is new in my life? Well, the big thing I've been praying through is where my life is headed! I graduate in May - May 9th to be exact! I have to teach in Illinois for 2 years after that. (The state paid all of my tuition the last 4 years, so that's the deal) I'm not sure where God is leading me to be in Illinois though. I've lived here my entire life and have friends, family, and church here. That makes it very hard to leave, but I don't have a peace, at least yet, that He is calling me to stay here. I'm not too worried about it right now though. I'm just praying that He will lead me where I need to be, opening every door that needs to be opened, and shutting the ones that need to be shut! I'm excited to find out what He has in store for me after graduation, which is a little weird for me because normally I'm completely scared of the unknown! I'm also praying hard about Ethiopia! I can't get it off my heart and mind. I think about Ethiopia and the orphans there constantly! I'm not sure why and what that means for my life. I desperately want to go there. But for now, I'm just praying God's will and not mine in the situation and that it will be clearly revealed to me!

The last thing I can think of to mention for now is that I'm still praying about the medical stuff. I still basically have no answers and therefore no treatment. Some days are harder than others. Yesterday was one of those hard days. It took me three hours from the time I woke up until I was able to actually get out of bed. The pain throughout my entire body was just excruciating. It got a little better throughout the day but was still pretty miserable overall. I dread waking up in the morning because that's when it's the worst. But this morning was a good day :) I woke up and was able to get out of bed within 15 minutes of waking up. I've felt better today than I have in a while! It was just nice and encouraging to have a day that I felt okay and was able to get stuff done!

God is good! Through it all, the hard stuff, the good stuff, all of it, He is so faithful! I feel so blessed to know Him and to have a relationship with Him!

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. ~ Zephaniah 3:17