I Haven't Figured Life Out Yet....

I haven't figured life out yet. Sometimes I feel like all I can figure out is that I've got nothing figured out. I know Jesus, I know I love Him, I know I want to live for Him. I don't understand His love for me, I feel like I don't know how to love Him, and I feel like a complete failure when it comes to living for Him. I hate Satan, that is something I do know too. He isn't creative. His tactics and schemes are the same, so why is it that I fall for them every time? I'm so confused, and I know that's not of God. I'm trying so hard to figure out how to be happy and positive and joyful and just flat out have a good attitude through these recent trials. But again, I don't know how. I desperately want friends. I'm embarassed to admit it, but I do. I'm so lonely. I also want to believe that all "Christians" are good. But all I'm finding is hurt and Satan in other Christians. I try to convince myself that each time will be different. That people will change. They will start loving like Jesus. But there's no change, only hurt that comes with believing it will be different. I know not to put my hope and faith in people. Only Jesus can satisfy my heart. I know that. But I also long to see the body of Christ functioning the way I believe He wants it to. I long to see the body love people like Jesus. It breaks my heart not just because the body does not love me, but because there are so many other people they could show the love of Christ to if it did work right. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I basically just needed to pour the feelings out along with the tears that won't stop coming. I'm a mess, a complete emotional wreck, and I'm sick of that. I know it's a burden that I need a ride everywhere. But the loneliness of being stuck here by myself all the time is so painful, along with knowing that my "brothers" and "sisters" are having fun and fellowshiping together, completely unwilling to include me. I know I'll be okay. I know I only need Jesus. But it's just hard right now. I know and trust that God will use this trial for His good. But I don't see the good right now, and it's just hard to be strong. I know He's here with me because His word says He'll never leave me or forsake me. But I don't feel Him. I don't see Him in others. I feel alone and hopeless. I'm praying He'll flood me with a renewed hope, tonight! Because I'm too weak right now, and I desperately need His strength. I'm a very broken girl that desperately needs her Savior to come and rescue her. I want to be the person God's called me to be, but I don't know how. I don't know how to resist the devil. Why are the "bar goers" the only ones showing kindness, the only ones willing to give me a ride, the only ones that want me around? Right now I have so many whys, so many hows, so many what ifs, and so much fear. I just want my independence back. I want to be healed, like now. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I want to be loved, despite my seizures, and despite my past. I want to stop crying, I want to stop being broken, and I want to be happy. Oh, I just pray God will come and fill me. I'm so beaten down and broken. I can't do this anymore. I just don't know how....