One of Those Days, yet again....

It's one of those days, yet again. I'm so tempted to call up Alyssa who I know remembers those "one of those days" feelings but I don't want to burden anyone so I'll pour it out here....
It's one of those days when I can't figure out why I'm here. The Lord has placed Africa so heavily on my heart. There's no question in my mind that my heart for Africa is from Him. I would give everything I have to pick up and leave here, go to Africa, and love some precious unloved children. And I truly believe that in doing that I would be happier than I've ever been. There is so much need there. I feel like I have so much love to give. I don't understand why I'm here. Why can't I go yet. Why can't I at least move. I don't particularly like it here. I feel like I have very little here that I love. I don't make my parents happy, and I feel like I never will - I stopped trying a long time ago. I'm so excited for Mary Kate (my cousin) to go to college next year! Yet, as little as we see each other, I'm sad to see her go. I'm not close to the rest of the family. The friendships I thought I had never were. Or if they were at one point, most of them are over. I feel like I have no one close, no one but God. And I know He's enough. But I'm touching/reaching no one here. Why is He keeping me here? I don't have any close relationships with anyone, except my precious special needs children I work with/take care of that I love more than life itself. I want to go. I tell the Lord, here I am, send me. But He doesn't. He just keeps allowing my heart to break more and more everyday for Africa. I feel like He's called me to stay here in a town I want so desperately to get out of. I want a new start where nobody knows me. No one knows my past and therefore won't keep me in it forever. I want a church I feel connected to, but I feel like He is calling me to stay put - in a church I absolutely love but feel like I have no relationships in. And lets be real, if I can't go to Africa I'd like to find a husband. But there's not even a potential out there. Haha, why is He keeping me in a church with no single Christian prospects?! I'm okay with not having a husband, but I'd at least like that to be because I'm in Africa. I'm just tired of this brokeness. It hurts more than words could describe. My heart is not here - I do nothing for God's kingdom here. But, oh the dreams of how God could use me for His kingdom in Africa. It hurts a lot today. I don't want to be here so bad today. I feel so alone, so useless here, so broken today. It's just one of those days....

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world ~ James 1:27