Happy and Broken....

I apologize now if this posting is quite a ramble - my thoughts are a bit jumbled, but I still felt like posting them :) I realized today that I am happy and have been happy lately. Not to say that everything is fantastic or that I haven't had any of those crazy melt downs, but overall I'm at peace which is amazing. I don't know how many times I have felt like I truly never would overcome the depression. It just seemed pretty hopeless - but thankfully we have a faithful God huh?! I have felt very strongly that the Lord was not calling me to be on medication, even many family and friends felt that antidepressants would be a good solution. So I have walked a rough road for a while, medication free, through a lot of rough stuff. And I've felt as though I carried this horribly heavy weight that would never be lifted. Today was when I had the realization though, that things and circumstances haven't really changed (minus being on break from school for a month which is a huge praise) but the weight is not there or not near as heavy! Are things still hard, absolutely. I'm dreading next semester, and the medical stuff is a huge frustration and discouragement. But I'm content and at peace as I said. I'm at peace with knowing that God is in control. That I serve God that loves me and is faithful. A God that has big plans for my life. And while I know some of those plans and so desperately long for them to happen now, I'm content with knowing that now is not quite the time for them, and that He will make those plans so perfect in His precious time! I'm content with knowing that He will fulfill the desires of my heart. And I long to be patient for His sweet timing through the waiting. I'm so blessed to get the little "kisses from Heaven" that provide that encouragement and glimpse of my dreams that show me my heart is going in the right direction, and He will lead it where it needs to be. I believe that God is gonna rock my world! That He is going to blow my mind with how much better and bigger He can make my dreams become than I could ever imagine! I just wanted to share my joy in the waiting because it's been a very long road for me. I've struggled with so many things and struggly tremendously with depression. No one could save me or fix it, and I've lost many "friends" along the way because of that. But Christ can, and He did. He already came and died to save me - how amazing is that?! As lonely and unloved as I may feel - God loved me that much :) It's hard to trust Him during the hard times, during the lonely seasons, and when it seems that all is going wrong and there is no answers. But I can tell you from someone who has been at the lowest of low, He is faithful, He is still there, and He is still the most perfect loving Father! And there is hope, and there is freedom! And the freedom that comes from Christ is unlike anything you've ever experienced! Praise God, for He is good!
In the midst of the happiness and contentness though, my heart is breaking. Not in the usual depression and sadness about my life way, but breaking for others, my heart is breaking for what breaks His. I've prayed this many times, "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours." But man, when He does, it hurts! My heart is breaking for those that don't know Him. Those that don't want to know Him. That think they have it all figured out, but without Him. What do you do when the people you love the most don't know the freedom and hope and joy that comes with Christ? I know I can't save them, but I long to. I long for them to know that antidepressants aren't the only way to become happy. And that there is so much more to the darkness of Satan than a pill can fix. I long for them to not just love Jesus like I long to love Him, but to fully experience His love towards them. It hurts to not be able to save them, and it hurts that they can't see His love and the change He has made in me enough to want to know this person of Jesus that has made me who I am today. But I know there is hope. There was hope for me, and there is hope for them. I was about as lost and broken as they come, and He rescued me. God has shown me His faithfulness over and over, not necessarily in the ways and timing I wanted, but in His timing. So I know there is always hope - for with God all things are possible! So I will continue to pray, contend, and fight for the lost and broken, that God would capture their hearts and that they would experience His indescribable love! Thank you for sharing in my joy and hope with me! And thank you to those of you that have traveled little bits of this journey with me. It's been a hard road, one I'm betting most of you saw has hopeless at times, but there was hope, and there is freedom! Praise the Lord! :)