A Happy Easter Indeed!

I know this is a little late, but I had a blessed Easter! God is so good! It's awesome to really focus on the true meaning of Easter. We care so much about bunnies and eggs and Easter baskets that I think we often forget that we have already gotten the best gift we could have. It doesn't matter how bad or good our Easter baskets were this year or in the past. I'll be the first to admit that I have had conversations about the "disappointment" with Easter baskets as we get older and for some reason the "bunny" doesn't put as much effort into them. Haha, but what does that have to do with anything! First of all, I need to check myself and be thankful for what I have been blessed with - inside and outside of the basket. I got stuff in my basket this year - that was a blessing. My mom went to church with me! I can't tell you how much this meant to me and how excited I am for God to move in her heart! I got to spend an amazing afternoon with my family - that was most definitely a blessing! God is good to me! He's blessed me with a family I love, parents that love me, and cousins that are amazing fun! But He also gave His son to die for me. Jesus endured my punishment so that I might be clean in the sight of God. What more could I ask for. This is one happy and thankful girl! Here's some Easter pics :)


Maggie, me, and Cassie


Take 2



Oliver, me (in my CCHS uniform, haha), and Mary Kate

Love them!

Why am I here?

I'm struggling with that question so hard today. Why am I here? I probably sound like a broken record. Different days, different brokeness and frustrations, but same cry and longing. I'm frustrated with the hold Satan has on this community. I'm frustrated with the church (not a church, but the church as a whole). The Christian attitude is appalling. It's so clear to me why people, some of who I care so much about, don't want anything to do with this Christian thing. Because what they see is not even close to love. Why is that such a hard concept? Why can't we just love people like Jesus? Why do we not help the needy? Or if we do, why do we do it for ourselves? My heart is in Africa. I believe my calling is there (I've got a clear and oh so frustrating "wait" from God, but believe it will eventually be "go, beloved!") But I want to see change here. I want to see the body of Christ loving people, accepting people, not judging them! Satan's got a foothold on so many non-Christians here, but what's even more sad and I believe far more dangerous is the grip he has on Christians, and we're not even seeing it. How many of us can talk up the great Christian talk but don't walk the walk. We've gotta start walkin' that walk - loving Jesus AND others! I will not stop praying, and I will not stop fighting. My God is mighty to save! He can move mountains, and I will not just accept this war Satan has waged. I will fight! Bring it on! Lord, show me how to be like You, how to love like You, how to serve like You! I don't want to just serve one day because it's a good thing to do. I want to serve everyday. I want the love and light of Christ to shine threw me without ceasing!

On other notes....
I love my family :) They truly mean so much to me! I have interviews coming up the next two weeks. I always said I would never announce that because of the embarassment if I don't get a job I interview for. But, I'm going to try not to be embarrased. I want to be in a job where God wants me, doing what He wants me to do. So I pray that whatever and where ever that is, He would just open that door. And where ever that is not, may He close those doors tightly. So although I don't particularly want to hear that someone doesn't want me, haha, I pray that that would just be God's hand in guiding me to where HE wants me! May His will be over these interviews! I have 3 weeks 'till graduation which is crazy! I have SO much work to do before then, but I'm so happy it's such a short time! My fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and migraines have all been pretty bad lately. I think maybe it's all the weather changes. I don't know, but I'm pushing through. My God is good! I miss my kiddos that I work with that have severe special needs. They sure know how to capture this girl's heart, and I miss being with them. 3 more weeks though, and then I should get to spend some time with my precious ones! Yay :) The Cubbies game today was pretty sweet - go cubs go! Much love to all! Praying you feel the comfort and peace this week that only God can bring, and may you feel His love ever so present!

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountaines, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

One of Those Days, yet again....

It's one of those days, yet again. I'm so tempted to call up Alyssa who I know remembers those "one of those days" feelings but I don't want to burden anyone so I'll pour it out here....
It's one of those days when I can't figure out why I'm here. The Lord has placed Africa so heavily on my heart. There's no question in my mind that my heart for Africa is from Him. I would give everything I have to pick up and leave here, go to Africa, and love some precious unloved children. And I truly believe that in doing that I would be happier than I've ever been. There is so much need there. I feel like I have so much love to give. I don't understand why I'm here. Why can't I go yet. Why can't I at least move. I don't particularly like it here. I feel like I have very little here that I love. I don't make my parents happy, and I feel like I never will - I stopped trying a long time ago. I'm so excited for Mary Kate (my cousin) to go to college next year! Yet, as little as we see each other, I'm sad to see her go. I'm not close to the rest of the family. The friendships I thought I had never were. Or if they were at one point, most of them are over. I feel like I have no one close, no one but God. And I know He's enough. But I'm touching/reaching no one here. Why is He keeping me here? I don't have any close relationships with anyone, except my precious special needs children I work with/take care of that I love more than life itself. I want to go. I tell the Lord, here I am, send me. But He doesn't. He just keeps allowing my heart to break more and more everyday for Africa. I feel like He's called me to stay here in a town I want so desperately to get out of. I want a new start where nobody knows me. No one knows my past and therefore won't keep me in it forever. I want a church I feel connected to, but I feel like He is calling me to stay put - in a church I absolutely love but feel like I have no relationships in. And lets be real, if I can't go to Africa I'd like to find a husband. But there's not even a potential out there. Haha, why is He keeping me in a church with no single Christian prospects?! I'm okay with not having a husband, but I'd at least like that to be because I'm in Africa. I'm just tired of this brokeness. It hurts more than words could describe. My heart is not here - I do nothing for God's kingdom here. But, oh the dreams of how God could use me for His kingdom in Africa. It hurts a lot today. I don't want to be here so bad today. I feel so alone, so useless here, so broken today. It's just one of those days....

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world ~ James 1:27

Lord, please send me....

http://vimeo.com/4023493

Sorry, I don't know how to post a video but click on the link and watch the video. My heart is totally there. Lord, here I am - send me!

The doctor says.... and other life happenings....

Saw one of my many doctors today. This was a follow up visit from my last surgery that got rescheduled twice so it's been two months now since the exploratory surgery. And the conclusion - lots of problems visible, but I need more live bacteria in my GI track! LOL, so the process begins to eat lots of live bacteria. Sounds weird to me, but hopefully it will help!

On other notes of life....
My heart has been heavy lately. Satan is active and working hard. I feel the burden of the pain and suffering in this world. But I'm also feeling an overwhelming amount of faith in God. I can't save people. I can't change situations. But I serve a God who can. My God is mighty to save! I will praise Him and trust Him.

I realized after talking with a friend yesterday what a blessing being single with no prospects can be. It's hard to watch all my friends get married/engaged/or at least starting a relationship and still be as single as ever! Haha, and as the singles I know are dwindling down and there are no potentials I know (or at least that I see as potentials right now), I'm left with only God to be the love of my life! Haha, and how sweet is that! I need God to be the love of my life, and the only one before I can be in a relationship. I desire a husband one day, but praise God for my sweet and precious time with only Him right now!

I still feel broken for Africa. I want to be there. I want to love unloved children, I want to feed hungry children, hug a crying child, hold a starving baby, I want to share Christ with these African beauties that He created to wonderfully. I don't have money though or a realistic way to get there soon, so for now I'm stuck here with a broken heart but an amazing God who loves these children I so desire to love even more than me! He is good :)

I graduate May 9th. It can't come soon enough. The past 4 years have been an unbelievable struggle. The fact that the end is so close and I've actually made it this far is amazing. Yet scary. The job search has begun. Still praying for clarity and God's will and direction for my life! I had an interview Wednesday. There are some potential positions that might be open that I would love, but I want it only if it's God's will for me to do that job and still live here.

I'm also trying to figure church stuff out. I love my church. I love so many great things about it. I love to see the Christian families interact. A love and interaction I didn't know existed until I started going there. Something I want for my future family. I love to learn from them. I love how it is Spirit led. That we pray and believe in our God and worship Him in various ways! But I don't feel connected. I feel very alone there. God's definitely taken me through some dark valleys of loneliness in my life this year. And I'm learning from it. So maybe I'm still supposed to be there at this church even if it's lonely. I don't know and am seeking wisdom on that. He's using the loneliness, but I also long to be part of a body and have so many hopes and dreams of how God can use a body that is truly seeking Him!

My dad is having surgery on Wednesday. There are still a lot of unknowns. May God be the great physican, guide the three doctors' hands that are involved, and comfort those of us longing for answers! He is good and it's in His hands! I will put my trust and faith in Him! My Healer and Protector!

"When God's creation is broken, He's more than able to fix it." ~ Faith Like Potatoes

You should all read Faith Like Potatoes and then watch the movie! Good stuff! God is so amazing! May our faith be real and solid in Him!

The chronic fatigue syndrome has been unreal this week! I felt like I barely made it through today and can't keep going - but praise our awesome God for a 4 day weekend! That I can rest and sleep in. May I rest in His peace!
On that note, I'm off to bed! Praying everyone has a blessed Easter looking past the Easter baskets and bunnies and eggs to the real risen - Christ has risen!!!! That's a big deal y'all! He loves us that much! Praise God!

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety" ~ Psalm 4:8

What God's Been Teaching Me.... Faith!

I feel like I've been crazy busy for a while now! I keep wanting to post a life update, but can't seem to find the time. The chronic fatigue has been drastically worse, so every evening by the time I have my school stuff done I'm ready to hit the bed! I spent a week in Florida with my parents for spring break. It was a wonderful break from school and stress, but at the same time it was great to be home!

Family vacations are always hard for me. They're kind of lonely. This was no different in the fact that I missed friends and church. I missed having a Godly support system and being around other people that pray, worship, and read the Word! But, it was also a sweet opportunity to spend some amazing time with God! I took some really long walks on the beach, turning up the worship music on my ipod, and just being with God! Those were some truly wonderful and precious times that I am so thankful I had the opportunity to have!

I also read Faith Like Potatoes while I was there. Talk about a great book - everyone should read it :) Faith has been the big thing God's been teaching me more and more about. Having faith in Him and being faithful. This book was such an awesome reminder about how God can move mountains when you just have a little faith! That is something I definitely needed to be reminded of! My mom even ended up reading the book on the way home and liked it - praise God!

While in Florida, God allowed the lyrics of a song a friend of mine wrote to fall out of my Bible - at just the right time! This is the song:
Break Down
Break down, the schemes of the enemy
Break down, their fortress built on lies to us
Break 'em down, let your trumpet sound
Raise up, a holy army
Raise up, a people devoted to You
Break down, footholds giving evil ground
Break down, temptations leading us astray
You have inspired us, to fear Your name
We are Your people, Oh God
We are Your people, Oh God
We are Your army, Raise us up
We are Your church, and we are one

The line that says, "You have inspired us to fear Your name" comes from a sweet passage in Jeremiah 32!

This is a big time in my life when I need to and want to have faith in God, but the enemy is coming to steal, kill, and destroy. He's trying to steal that faith from me, but I will stand firm and pray that God would break down his schemes and lies!

I graduate May 9th (at 9:00am if you wanna come). So, the search has begun for a job for next year! This is exciting, but very scary and frustrating! I'm not sure where God wants me. I desperately want to go wherever He wants me, but I don't know where that is. I'm trusting that He will bring clarity and praying that He will open the doors that need to be opened and close the ones that need to be closed! I have tons of applications out there, but honestly the fear has set in as to whether or not I'll find a job I want and where it will be. I trust Him though!

My heart still cries out, hard and loud, for orphans. I long to love orphans. I long to share Christ's love with them. I'm praying hard about what that is supposed to look like for me right now. God has put that passion on my heart for a reason. I don't think it's a mistake. But the timing is the hard part. I would love to move to Africa right now and spend my life loving on and adopting orphans. But I know that isn't the call for me at this moment, even though I wish it was. Right now I'm trying to sort through what I'm supposed to do now. Do I just keep praying? Do I go on a short term mission trip. Some opportunities for that have come up, but I have fear about finances. I want to trust God and act in faith to what He is calling me to, but the clarity just isn't there yet. This is the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. My heart is in Africa, but I'm right here. That is a tough reality to face. So why is the burden on my heart? How is God wanting to use that? If only I knew....

God is moving! I see Him moving in me, in my mom's heart changing, in seeing the joy "my" special kids bring me. We serve an amazing God! I wish I could express that better! He is so, so good! I will put my faith in Him, and be faithful in serving Him!

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"

No Words....

No words can express how I feel or what to say in a time like this. Please pray though is the simple but huge request I have right now. I am currently student teaching in LeRoy, the same school district my mom has taught in for 30 years. We are experiencing the horrific loss of two sweet young boys, Duncan and Jack Connolly. Their father failed to return them to their mother three weeks ago, and this morning the three of them were found dead. This is a huge loss of a small community. It's hard as a solid Christian adult to deal with such tragic, uncomprehendable deaths. I can't imagine what the students are going through. Please pray for the family of these boys, especially their mother and close friends. Pray that the parents of students would deal well with this, as children often will cope in the same way as their parents. Pray that fear would not take over. I pray that my amazing God that is sovereign and mighty to save would give everyone a peace that surpasses all understanding. That we would trust that while it is hard for us to understand this loss here on earth, these precious boys are in Heaven with Jesus, safe, and happy.
Love in Christ,
Jenna