Life Update - Still Missing Tinca a Year Later!

Not much to update - life's been busy but good :) I'm really enjoying spending as much time as I can at Parkside with those kids and staff before school's out. It really hit me that this is my last opportunity to spend time in the room I fell in love with so many years ago! I'm excited to be a real teacher next year though! It's been a long wait for that! I just love the kids so much, so I can't wait! Of course I'm still struggling just as much as ever with my brokeness for orphans. I'm looking into/thinking about going to Haiti over Christmas break next year. I've gotten connected with some people and facilities there that I have already fallen in love with. Part of my heart is still in Africa - that I'm sure of - but Haiti is considerably cheaper to travel to. And, the faces of these beautiful children, dying without family, are in my mind constantly. I would love to hold them and love them. So, that's what I'm praying about right now. It's also hard to believe it's been a whole year since I've been home from Romania. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that place, don't look at those pictures, or pray for those children. I miss Tinca. I miss everything about it, honestly! What joy I had in that place holding precious Abel! I'm moving from being sad about all the orphans though - God's gonna use me somehow. Maybe he already has, we were both so happy in that picture. I trust that greater things are yet to come, for me, for Abel, for Tinca, for Haiti, for Ethiopia.... :)

Untitled....

I feel like there are so many things to write about. You'd think I would have all kinds of free time now, but I feel busier than ever!

I made it - I graduated from college on Saturday! The past four years that truly seemed impossible to get through more times than I could count ended with joy, tears, family, friends, and a diploma. I didn't want to walk in the graduation ceremony, but I did because my parents really wanted me to. My parents and my grandpa and his wife attended. They were proud of me, and that meant a lot. I'm glad I walked for them. We had a nice lunch at Lucca after the ceremony and the party began at 6:00pm! I was blessed by the number of family members that showed up as well as a few friends! It was surprising to see how proud my family was of me. The evening ended with four friends praying over me - what better way to end?! I am very blessed!

College graduate!

Me and Alyssa

Marrita, me, and Kali

Taylor and me - I love this girl so much! And I'm so proud of her for the medal she's sportin' that she earned Saturday morning at the Special Olympics!

Mom and me

Mary Kate (who graduates from high school soon!) and me

Oliver and me - he's lookin' so grown up! I guess we're all growin' up!

Oliver, me, and Mary Kate!

Katie and me


Me, Danielle, Jonathan, Marrita, and Gabe :)

So, I made it - by the grace of God - and that alone - I made it! I think I made the mistake though through all these hard times of believing that once I was done with school and finally able to teach everything would be okay. Because boy did the enemy hit me hard come Saturday! I have not enjoyed school the least bit and couldn't wait to be done. But, it was familiar. I have had an overwhelming since of fear of the unknown and doubt. What if I'm not a good teacher? What if I never make a difference? So many what if's. It wasn't until my women's Bible study last night, that I began to see those as lies from the enemy. I was honestly believing them as truth. Praise God for light on that! I have felt like I have a to-do list with a million things on it, but I decided today I needed to go see "my" kids. I needed a reminder of why these past four years were worth it. I got more than that reminder. I love those kids. I see Christ's love for me through them, and I pray He uses me for His glory. Am I alone good enough to be a decent teacher to these precious kids - no. But Christ in me is. I pray that His light would shine brighter and brighter each day and that this whole ride would be for His glory!

I won't live in fear and doubt. I desire to submit fully to His will. I want His perfect will for my life to be worked out. His perfect plan that is far better than anything I could ever imagine. I trust Him in that. I trust Him that next year I am supposed to be a CI special ed. teacher at West. I trust Him that this burden on my heart for Africa isn't pointless - that it's there for a reason and in His perfect timing He will use it somehow. I trust Him, that He will bring joy and fullfillment to my life that only He can bring.

"But I have raised you up for this purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." ~ Exodus 9:16

Done and DRIVING!

I pulled an all nighter last night getting the 4 projects done that were due today. More things went wrong than I could have imagined! Haha, such as running out of ink at midnight - and remember I can't drive! Then the printer jammed for a good 30 minutes! Then I ran out of color ink (after going to Walmart to get black ink) and I had to have color for my graphs. Needless to say, it was quite an adventure - and not so fun of one at that! But, praise God, they all got done! My supervisor came at 9:00am today, and everything is done! I just have to show up the next three days and then I graduate on Saturday! Praise God! And to top it off, I had my doctor appointment today and he released me to drive! I am estactic! It felt SO good to have my car and independence back! God is faithful :) I've had more rough nights than I could count throughout my college career, but God has been there through all of them! And now I'm almost done! Praise God! He is SO good! My Savior, He can move mountains - and not only can He, but He does!!!!

Ready to be done - and other ramblings....

It's crazy to think that one week from now, the awefulness of these past 4 years will come to an end. I'm more than ready. I have 4 projects due Monday and being the procrastinator that I am, it's a busy weekend! There's been a lot of hard work put into these past 4 years, but honestly I don't feel like I've accomplished much - at least not what's being celebrated. There's been drama, frustration, and even tears over walking in the graduation ceremony as well as a graduation party. My parents want me to walk. While I am 22 years old and can make my own decisions, they want me to walk so badly that it's not worth it to me to fight it. They think it's a big, important accomplishment. Me, not so much. I'm getting a piece of paper that says I did it, I made it through these past 4 years. And while that's cool because there were more times that I could count that I didn't think that was going to happen, I still don't feel accomplished. What difference does that piece of paper make? Will it ever make a difference? I'm afraid it won't. I don't feel like I received a wonderful education that makes me so much better than others. I'm actually not that happy with the education I received. As for being better than others, that piece of paper is far from how I want to be remembered. I want to be someone that makes a difference. Someone that loves others - not for what piece of paper they hold, but simply love them because Jesus does. I want to feed the hungry. I want to love the unloved. I want to hold babies that aren't held. I want to rescue orphans. That's the kind of difference I want to make. I want people to see Christ in me - and I want to be distinguished by that, not by my piece of paper. I'm not doing any of that, so I struggle with having a celebration. We did settle on a party, but I'm not celebrating that piece of paper - I'm celebrating the work Christ has done in me over the past 4 years that has gotten me to where I am today. Without that work, I wouldn't have those desires, so I am thankful for that. The strength of Christ alone got me through, and I will praise Him for that! Needless to say, it'll be good to be done on Thursday. I hope my parents are happy sitting through a ridiculously boring 2 hours to watch me walk across that stage - I'm doing it because I love them! And I hope that during the celebration that night, Christ gets the glory!

I've decided that our family is keeping the medical industry in business. Two aunts had surgery last week. And then of course my dad has his too. We're praying that they got the whole tumor - they won't know for 2 weeks. But that surgery was way too painful for him to go through again, so please join me in praying that they got it all and the cancer would be gone!
To keep things unusual, my little cousin is having a bone removed from her foot this coming week! Praying that that surgery and recovery goes smoothly! Everyone thought it was crazy weird when it was discovered that I had an extra bone in my foot that was causing the severe pain I was in and needed it removed! Then I had to have it done again! And now my little cousin has the same thing! Weird! But it'll feel tons better once that annoying bone is gone!
I go back to my neurologist on Monday. I'm praying that I will be released to drive then. We'll see though. I'm pretty fearful that this will not happen, and just really not sure how I can handle the loss of independence and the ability to work any longer.

I will be moving to a new apartment in June. I'm pretty excited for this - it has more of a grown up feel, which is good since I will be a grown up teacher and all :)

I don't know what to get my mom for mother's day. I feel like a failure as a daughter, but I've just got no ideas :(

My heart is still in Africa. I don't understand why my heart is there but I am not. God is way too confusing on this issue, and it is very frustrating! I just wanna be there....

I'm done rambling for now - I need to go to bed. I'm SO tired!

Praying your weekend is blessed!

Much love,
Jenna

Trusting Him

I trust Him - my God, my friend, my Lord, my savior who is might to save. I trust Him. I have absolutely no understanding as to what's He's doing in my life. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm not a fan of not seeing any of what He's doing. But I will still trust Him. My heart is in Africa, yet He has provided a job here and called me here (at least for now). I have very few friends here, a church I'm not connected to, and not even one guy that is a possibility to marry (yes I realize that sounds corny, but let's be real, I'm a girl and want to get married some day). So what's the deal? Why here? Why that church? Why so alone? What's He doing? I don't have the slightest clue! I know I'm supposed to be here - I can't honestly say I want to be and I have no clue why I'm stuck here. I feel like there is so much more I can do elsewhere. But I guess that's just me doubting God which isn't at all what I want to do. If He could save me from the darkest pits that He carried me out of, I'm sure He could create a better plan for my life than I could. It gets hard to trust though, when you still continue to see no reason why. But I will trust Him with my life and with my brokeness....

Blessed be Your name!

I'm so beyond tired that I'm gonna make this short so I can get to bed, but I feel the need to share the praise on my heart real quick.

I keep thinking of the song that says, "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name!"

It's been a day of lots of ups and downs - emotional in many ways. I've gone through more emotions than I can explain, but I've known through it all that God is faithful and has a plan for my life. I had an interview this morning for a position I would really like. I felt like some parts of the interview went really well, other parts not so strong for me. So, I was nervous and excited. I got back out to the car after the interview and my mom informed me that my dad had just found out he does have cancer after all. He had surgery last week and ended up not having the tumor or his kidney removed because they said it was not cancer. Mayo says it is. We knew this was a possibility from the beginning, but I was so thrilled to hear the doctor report after the surgery last week and to leave it at that! What a blow today's news was! So back he has to go again for another surgery to remove it. My students were good today. It was a rough day to get through with so many questions, particularly why's running through my head. But the grace of God got me through. I had a wonderful and blessed dinner with Mallory at the spur of the moment. It'd been such a crazy day, I just didn't want to be alone - I wanted a friend. God provided! I was so blessed by our dinner! I got a phone call and quickly listened to the voicemail right as we got to dinner. It was the principal calling to talk more about the position. That's all he said and said he'd have to call back later because he would be in meetings for the next two hours. That was at 5:00pm. So as I got home right as 7:00pm rolled around I waited patiently or more like quite anxiously for his phone call - I was nervous though that he might be calling to turn me down. But, he didn't call. So I kept busy by doing a ridiculous amount of cleaning the dishes, and then gave the cat a bath. I have a crazy cat, like I'm pretty sure is clinically crazy, so why I thought attempting a bath was a good idea is beyond me - we'll just say I'm pretty sure the cat won that battle as I appeared more wet than him in the end. I was exhausted (the chronic fatigue syndrome is still on a bad spurt) so I figured I'd head to bed when 8:30pm (yes I truly am that lame and could have gone to bed that early) rolled around. Just then, the phone rang! I was offered the job!

The Lord has given and taken away. I've received so many blessings and good news lately! Yet, there is still the hard things. I don't understand why some things happen. It's frustrating to question why I have to deal with them. But my God is good and so much smarter than me! Haha! Sometimes I forget that :) But He is, and He is so faithful! Through it all, regardless, I will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name!"

Love,
Jenna

Peace

God is good :) I am in awe at the peace only He can bring! I have a ridiculous amount of school work due tomorrow - most of which hasn't been started, much of which I just realized I don't even have the materials and information with me that I need to do it correctly. While there is stress and frustration with the amount of work I have to do, there is also peace. A peace and comfort in knowing that God is with me, and this will get done. I may be tired tomorrow, but it'll all get done, and by 3:30pm tomorrow, all the stress will be gone. I look back at just a short year ago. The panic would be setting in over the work load and the limited time left to do it. My old "friends" know the truth of this all too well. I would probably be literally shaking, eventually panicking so bad I couldn't breathe. Possibily ending up with 911 being called, an ambulance coming, and an evening in the hospital. This happened too many times to count. But God has brought me a peace that surpasses all understanding, that only He can give me. So while I have an overwhelming load of work to do today/tonight, here I sit taking the time to blog about His peace and His goodness because I have an overwhelming desire to share that with people. To say that God has changed me in enormous ways and that He works miracles and saves the people that seem so far gone is the understatement of the year! My God is mighty to save, and I want everyone to know that! Praise God, for He is good! I will now get back to work, but I pray that you will know His peace and rest in it :) Blessings!
~Jenna

A Happy Easter Indeed!

I know this is a little late, but I had a blessed Easter! God is so good! It's awesome to really focus on the true meaning of Easter. We care so much about bunnies and eggs and Easter baskets that I think we often forget that we have already gotten the best gift we could have. It doesn't matter how bad or good our Easter baskets were this year or in the past. I'll be the first to admit that I have had conversations about the "disappointment" with Easter baskets as we get older and for some reason the "bunny" doesn't put as much effort into them. Haha, but what does that have to do with anything! First of all, I need to check myself and be thankful for what I have been blessed with - inside and outside of the basket. I got stuff in my basket this year - that was a blessing. My mom went to church with me! I can't tell you how much this meant to me and how excited I am for God to move in her heart! I got to spend an amazing afternoon with my family - that was most definitely a blessing! God is good to me! He's blessed me with a family I love, parents that love me, and cousins that are amazing fun! But He also gave His son to die for me. Jesus endured my punishment so that I might be clean in the sight of God. What more could I ask for. This is one happy and thankful girl! Here's some Easter pics :)


Maggie, me, and Cassie


Take 2



Oliver, me (in my CCHS uniform, haha), and Mary Kate

Love them!

Why am I here?

I'm struggling with that question so hard today. Why am I here? I probably sound like a broken record. Different days, different brokeness and frustrations, but same cry and longing. I'm frustrated with the hold Satan has on this community. I'm frustrated with the church (not a church, but the church as a whole). The Christian attitude is appalling. It's so clear to me why people, some of who I care so much about, don't want anything to do with this Christian thing. Because what they see is not even close to love. Why is that such a hard concept? Why can't we just love people like Jesus? Why do we not help the needy? Or if we do, why do we do it for ourselves? My heart is in Africa. I believe my calling is there (I've got a clear and oh so frustrating "wait" from God, but believe it will eventually be "go, beloved!") But I want to see change here. I want to see the body of Christ loving people, accepting people, not judging them! Satan's got a foothold on so many non-Christians here, but what's even more sad and I believe far more dangerous is the grip he has on Christians, and we're not even seeing it. How many of us can talk up the great Christian talk but don't walk the walk. We've gotta start walkin' that walk - loving Jesus AND others! I will not stop praying, and I will not stop fighting. My God is mighty to save! He can move mountains, and I will not just accept this war Satan has waged. I will fight! Bring it on! Lord, show me how to be like You, how to love like You, how to serve like You! I don't want to just serve one day because it's a good thing to do. I want to serve everyday. I want the love and light of Christ to shine threw me without ceasing!

On other notes....
I love my family :) They truly mean so much to me! I have interviews coming up the next two weeks. I always said I would never announce that because of the embarassment if I don't get a job I interview for. But, I'm going to try not to be embarrased. I want to be in a job where God wants me, doing what He wants me to do. So I pray that whatever and where ever that is, He would just open that door. And where ever that is not, may He close those doors tightly. So although I don't particularly want to hear that someone doesn't want me, haha, I pray that that would just be God's hand in guiding me to where HE wants me! May His will be over these interviews! I have 3 weeks 'till graduation which is crazy! I have SO much work to do before then, but I'm so happy it's such a short time! My fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and migraines have all been pretty bad lately. I think maybe it's all the weather changes. I don't know, but I'm pushing through. My God is good! I miss my kiddos that I work with that have severe special needs. They sure know how to capture this girl's heart, and I miss being with them. 3 more weeks though, and then I should get to spend some time with my precious ones! Yay :) The Cubbies game today was pretty sweet - go cubs go! Much love to all! Praying you feel the comfort and peace this week that only God can bring, and may you feel His love ever so present!

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountaines, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

One of Those Days, yet again....

It's one of those days, yet again. I'm so tempted to call up Alyssa who I know remembers those "one of those days" feelings but I don't want to burden anyone so I'll pour it out here....
It's one of those days when I can't figure out why I'm here. The Lord has placed Africa so heavily on my heart. There's no question in my mind that my heart for Africa is from Him. I would give everything I have to pick up and leave here, go to Africa, and love some precious unloved children. And I truly believe that in doing that I would be happier than I've ever been. There is so much need there. I feel like I have so much love to give. I don't understand why I'm here. Why can't I go yet. Why can't I at least move. I don't particularly like it here. I feel like I have very little here that I love. I don't make my parents happy, and I feel like I never will - I stopped trying a long time ago. I'm so excited for Mary Kate (my cousin) to go to college next year! Yet, as little as we see each other, I'm sad to see her go. I'm not close to the rest of the family. The friendships I thought I had never were. Or if they were at one point, most of them are over. I feel like I have no one close, no one but God. And I know He's enough. But I'm touching/reaching no one here. Why is He keeping me here? I don't have any close relationships with anyone, except my precious special needs children I work with/take care of that I love more than life itself. I want to go. I tell the Lord, here I am, send me. But He doesn't. He just keeps allowing my heart to break more and more everyday for Africa. I feel like He's called me to stay here in a town I want so desperately to get out of. I want a new start where nobody knows me. No one knows my past and therefore won't keep me in it forever. I want a church I feel connected to, but I feel like He is calling me to stay put - in a church I absolutely love but feel like I have no relationships in. And lets be real, if I can't go to Africa I'd like to find a husband. But there's not even a potential out there. Haha, why is He keeping me in a church with no single Christian prospects?! I'm okay with not having a husband, but I'd at least like that to be because I'm in Africa. I'm just tired of this brokeness. It hurts more than words could describe. My heart is not here - I do nothing for God's kingdom here. But, oh the dreams of how God could use me for His kingdom in Africa. It hurts a lot today. I don't want to be here so bad today. I feel so alone, so useless here, so broken today. It's just one of those days....

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world ~ James 1:27

Lord, please send me....

http://vimeo.com/4023493

Sorry, I don't know how to post a video but click on the link and watch the video. My heart is totally there. Lord, here I am - send me!

The doctor says.... and other life happenings....

Saw one of my many doctors today. This was a follow up visit from my last surgery that got rescheduled twice so it's been two months now since the exploratory surgery. And the conclusion - lots of problems visible, but I need more live bacteria in my GI track! LOL, so the process begins to eat lots of live bacteria. Sounds weird to me, but hopefully it will help!

On other notes of life....
My heart has been heavy lately. Satan is active and working hard. I feel the burden of the pain and suffering in this world. But I'm also feeling an overwhelming amount of faith in God. I can't save people. I can't change situations. But I serve a God who can. My God is mighty to save! I will praise Him and trust Him.

I realized after talking with a friend yesterday what a blessing being single with no prospects can be. It's hard to watch all my friends get married/engaged/or at least starting a relationship and still be as single as ever! Haha, and as the singles I know are dwindling down and there are no potentials I know (or at least that I see as potentials right now), I'm left with only God to be the love of my life! Haha, and how sweet is that! I need God to be the love of my life, and the only one before I can be in a relationship. I desire a husband one day, but praise God for my sweet and precious time with only Him right now!

I still feel broken for Africa. I want to be there. I want to love unloved children, I want to feed hungry children, hug a crying child, hold a starving baby, I want to share Christ with these African beauties that He created to wonderfully. I don't have money though or a realistic way to get there soon, so for now I'm stuck here with a broken heart but an amazing God who loves these children I so desire to love even more than me! He is good :)

I graduate May 9th. It can't come soon enough. The past 4 years have been an unbelievable struggle. The fact that the end is so close and I've actually made it this far is amazing. Yet scary. The job search has begun. Still praying for clarity and God's will and direction for my life! I had an interview Wednesday. There are some potential positions that might be open that I would love, but I want it only if it's God's will for me to do that job and still live here.

I'm also trying to figure church stuff out. I love my church. I love so many great things about it. I love to see the Christian families interact. A love and interaction I didn't know existed until I started going there. Something I want for my future family. I love to learn from them. I love how it is Spirit led. That we pray and believe in our God and worship Him in various ways! But I don't feel connected. I feel very alone there. God's definitely taken me through some dark valleys of loneliness in my life this year. And I'm learning from it. So maybe I'm still supposed to be there at this church even if it's lonely. I don't know and am seeking wisdom on that. He's using the loneliness, but I also long to be part of a body and have so many hopes and dreams of how God can use a body that is truly seeking Him!

My dad is having surgery on Wednesday. There are still a lot of unknowns. May God be the great physican, guide the three doctors' hands that are involved, and comfort those of us longing for answers! He is good and it's in His hands! I will put my trust and faith in Him! My Healer and Protector!

"When God's creation is broken, He's more than able to fix it." ~ Faith Like Potatoes

You should all read Faith Like Potatoes and then watch the movie! Good stuff! God is so amazing! May our faith be real and solid in Him!

The chronic fatigue syndrome has been unreal this week! I felt like I barely made it through today and can't keep going - but praise our awesome God for a 4 day weekend! That I can rest and sleep in. May I rest in His peace!
On that note, I'm off to bed! Praying everyone has a blessed Easter looking past the Easter baskets and bunnies and eggs to the real risen - Christ has risen!!!! That's a big deal y'all! He loves us that much! Praise God!

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety" ~ Psalm 4:8

What God's Been Teaching Me.... Faith!

I feel like I've been crazy busy for a while now! I keep wanting to post a life update, but can't seem to find the time. The chronic fatigue has been drastically worse, so every evening by the time I have my school stuff done I'm ready to hit the bed! I spent a week in Florida with my parents for spring break. It was a wonderful break from school and stress, but at the same time it was great to be home!

Family vacations are always hard for me. They're kind of lonely. This was no different in the fact that I missed friends and church. I missed having a Godly support system and being around other people that pray, worship, and read the Word! But, it was also a sweet opportunity to spend some amazing time with God! I took some really long walks on the beach, turning up the worship music on my ipod, and just being with God! Those were some truly wonderful and precious times that I am so thankful I had the opportunity to have!

I also read Faith Like Potatoes while I was there. Talk about a great book - everyone should read it :) Faith has been the big thing God's been teaching me more and more about. Having faith in Him and being faithful. This book was such an awesome reminder about how God can move mountains when you just have a little faith! That is something I definitely needed to be reminded of! My mom even ended up reading the book on the way home and liked it - praise God!

While in Florida, God allowed the lyrics of a song a friend of mine wrote to fall out of my Bible - at just the right time! This is the song:
Break Down
Break down, the schemes of the enemy
Break down, their fortress built on lies to us
Break 'em down, let your trumpet sound
Raise up, a holy army
Raise up, a people devoted to You
Break down, footholds giving evil ground
Break down, temptations leading us astray
You have inspired us, to fear Your name
We are Your people, Oh God
We are Your people, Oh God
We are Your army, Raise us up
We are Your church, and we are one

The line that says, "You have inspired us to fear Your name" comes from a sweet passage in Jeremiah 32!

This is a big time in my life when I need to and want to have faith in God, but the enemy is coming to steal, kill, and destroy. He's trying to steal that faith from me, but I will stand firm and pray that God would break down his schemes and lies!

I graduate May 9th (at 9:00am if you wanna come). So, the search has begun for a job for next year! This is exciting, but very scary and frustrating! I'm not sure where God wants me. I desperately want to go wherever He wants me, but I don't know where that is. I'm trusting that He will bring clarity and praying that He will open the doors that need to be opened and close the ones that need to be closed! I have tons of applications out there, but honestly the fear has set in as to whether or not I'll find a job I want and where it will be. I trust Him though!

My heart still cries out, hard and loud, for orphans. I long to love orphans. I long to share Christ's love with them. I'm praying hard about what that is supposed to look like for me right now. God has put that passion on my heart for a reason. I don't think it's a mistake. But the timing is the hard part. I would love to move to Africa right now and spend my life loving on and adopting orphans. But I know that isn't the call for me at this moment, even though I wish it was. Right now I'm trying to sort through what I'm supposed to do now. Do I just keep praying? Do I go on a short term mission trip. Some opportunities for that have come up, but I have fear about finances. I want to trust God and act in faith to what He is calling me to, but the clarity just isn't there yet. This is the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. My heart is in Africa, but I'm right here. That is a tough reality to face. So why is the burden on my heart? How is God wanting to use that? If only I knew....

God is moving! I see Him moving in me, in my mom's heart changing, in seeing the joy "my" special kids bring me. We serve an amazing God! I wish I could express that better! He is so, so good! I will put my faith in Him, and be faithful in serving Him!

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"

No Words....

No words can express how I feel or what to say in a time like this. Please pray though is the simple but huge request I have right now. I am currently student teaching in LeRoy, the same school district my mom has taught in for 30 years. We are experiencing the horrific loss of two sweet young boys, Duncan and Jack Connolly. Their father failed to return them to their mother three weeks ago, and this morning the three of them were found dead. This is a huge loss of a small community. It's hard as a solid Christian adult to deal with such tragic, uncomprehendable deaths. I can't imagine what the students are going through. Please pray for the family of these boys, especially their mother and close friends. Pray that the parents of students would deal well with this, as children often will cope in the same way as their parents. Pray that fear would not take over. I pray that my amazing God that is sovereign and mighty to save would give everyone a peace that surpasses all understanding. That we would trust that while it is hard for us to understand this loss here on earth, these precious boys are in Heaven with Jesus, safe, and happy.
Love in Christ,
Jenna

1 Student Teaching Placement Down, 1 To Go!

Friday was the last day of my first placement for student teaching. This was a very hard placement for me. I spent many evenings crying and wondering how I would ever make it through. It wasn't at all what I have planned to do with the rest of my life. I didn't understand how anyone could want to be around the cursing, violence, and negativity that fills that place on a daily basis. It wore me out, but it also broke me. I learned to stop focusing on the difficulties. I prayed that God would show me these students the way He sees them - the precious and beautiful children of God that they are. He opened my eyes when I began to pray for that revelation. The cursing and negativity were still hard. But I became broken for these kids. Kids that are hungry, lonely, and hurting. Kids that don't know how to love, because they've never felt loved. I never imagined I would say this, but I will truly miss them. Saying good bye was so hard. I had longed for the day I would be done there, and now that it has come, I'm sad. I'm sad I can't make a difference in their world any longer. I pray God will put someone there that will. Someone to believe in them, someone to see them different, someone to see them they way He does. Someone to give them hope and a future - I know my God can do that. During my time there I fell in love a completely unmotivated young man that has a very rough life and story. I rarely got him to do any work or to care about school. But for some reason he came to school. I'm told he asked about me everyday while I was gone - a true genuine concern as to whether I was going to be okay. This is a kid that has had his heart hardened by the harsh realities of his world. I watched God break this precious young man down. I will miss his bright and shining face each morning and the daily question of "what up Miss Wieland?!" I'm not sure why he was so drawn to me. Why he was respectful to me and cared what I thought about him. He didn't care what other adults thought of him, what their rules were, etc. Maybe it's because I truly believed in him. Yesterday he told me he wasn't going to come to school anymore. This tough 15 year old boy that I've seen become a whole new person, said there's no point now. He said there's no point if I'm not there. This broke my heart. I never gave this boy anything special - I just gave him a chance to be someone the world has said he couldn't be. I gave him hope, and I never stopped believing in him. The first time he's ever experienced that, and now I'm gone. And to him that made it worth it to come to school the past 9 weeks. But now I'm gone and he doesn't see the point. I will never forget this young man. He taught me more about life, love, hope, and faith than any rich, white person ever has or will. There is still hope for Him because our Father is a God who is mighty to save! My God has plans for this sweet young man. The world would say he will end up dead or in jail - I'm embarassed to say I've said that too. But I will continue to pray in faith that something will make a difference, and that those plans will be carried out. That he will have hope even now that I'm gone. That he'll discover it wasn't me that made a difference in his life the past 9 weeks - it was Christ in me. As difficult as these past 9 weeks were and as impossible as it seemed to make it through, I am so thankful for my time there. I pray God will continue to use it. He is such a good and faithful God! And praise God, I did make it through :)

Answers

I had another appointment today with my neurologist. I hadn't been there since before the second set of 5 seizures and before my heart monitor test and my second EEG. While the diagnoses is still a definite seizure disorder, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to God for answers. My first EEG that I had while I was in St. Francis after the first 5 seizures was normal, as were all of my tests. This could be considered good but makes it much more frustrating when you can't figure out what's causing the seizures and when they are continuing. I assumed this would be the case again. But good news - well, good news for an answer - my last EEG showed seizure activity in my brain! I've never been so happy to be told there's something wrong with my brain! I was very encouraged by my doctor, Moe, and his perspective as to what this all means for me and what my outlook is like. I go back May 4th, and if I'm seizure free until then, they will release me to drive May 13th! Please join me in praying for God's favor over that!

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer ~ Romans 12:12

Where the Spirit of the Lord Is, There Is Freedom!

"No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the geritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is the vindication from me," declares the Lord. ~ Isaiah 54:17

Praise God, that as hard as it is to remember at times, Satan does not have authority over me! No weapon he forms against me will prevail unless I choose to give him that power.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~ John 10:10

The enemy is in a heavy pursuit of me - to steal, kill, and destroy! I choose Christ though, I choose the abundant life He has planned for me! I will stand firm! I am called to be more than an over comer!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. ~ Galatians 5:1

Set me free Lord, set me free....

Pure and Faultless Religion

My heart breaks and aches for orphans. I'm not sure who they are, or where they are, but I'm broken for them. I love to love them the best I can, but most of all, I long for them to know the love of Christ. I long to have the opportunity to share the love with them. I believe this is part of God's plan for my life - to love orphan's. I'm not sure yet what the exact plans for that are, when they'll happen, what it will look like. But the waiting is hard since I'm already breaking. Maybe God's preparing me. I don't know. I just want to love them so bad right now! I hope one day we'll all truly understand this:

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world ~ James 1:27


Maria and me in Romania


In the village of Tinca


Me and Florica on the last day in Tinca

Abel and me in Tinca

Precious little Alex and me at the Isaiah Center in Romania

I Haven't Figured Life Out Yet....

I haven't figured life out yet. Sometimes I feel like all I can figure out is that I've got nothing figured out. I know Jesus, I know I love Him, I know I want to live for Him. I don't understand His love for me, I feel like I don't know how to love Him, and I feel like a complete failure when it comes to living for Him. I hate Satan, that is something I do know too. He isn't creative. His tactics and schemes are the same, so why is it that I fall for them every time? I'm so confused, and I know that's not of God. I'm trying so hard to figure out how to be happy and positive and joyful and just flat out have a good attitude through these recent trials. But again, I don't know how. I desperately want friends. I'm embarassed to admit it, but I do. I'm so lonely. I also want to believe that all "Christians" are good. But all I'm finding is hurt and Satan in other Christians. I try to convince myself that each time will be different. That people will change. They will start loving like Jesus. But there's no change, only hurt that comes with believing it will be different. I know not to put my hope and faith in people. Only Jesus can satisfy my heart. I know that. But I also long to see the body of Christ functioning the way I believe He wants it to. I long to see the body love people like Jesus. It breaks my heart not just because the body does not love me, but because there are so many other people they could show the love of Christ to if it did work right. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I basically just needed to pour the feelings out along with the tears that won't stop coming. I'm a mess, a complete emotional wreck, and I'm sick of that. I know it's a burden that I need a ride everywhere. But the loneliness of being stuck here by myself all the time is so painful, along with knowing that my "brothers" and "sisters" are having fun and fellowshiping together, completely unwilling to include me. I know I'll be okay. I know I only need Jesus. But it's just hard right now. I know and trust that God will use this trial for His good. But I don't see the good right now, and it's just hard to be strong. I know He's here with me because His word says He'll never leave me or forsake me. But I don't feel Him. I don't see Him in others. I feel alone and hopeless. I'm praying He'll flood me with a renewed hope, tonight! Because I'm too weak right now, and I desperately need His strength. I'm a very broken girl that desperately needs her Savior to come and rescue her. I want to be the person God's called me to be, but I don't know how. I don't know how to resist the devil. Why are the "bar goers" the only ones showing kindness, the only ones willing to give me a ride, the only ones that want me around? Right now I have so many whys, so many hows, so many what ifs, and so much fear. I just want my independence back. I want to be healed, like now. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I want to be loved, despite my seizures, and despite my past. I want to stop crying, I want to stop being broken, and I want to be happy. Oh, I just pray God will come and fill me. I'm so beaten down and broken. I can't do this anymore. I just don't know how....

More Seizures....

Well, I had 5 more seizures last night. Still no clue why they are happening. They put me on Keppra today to try to prevent more. I really believe God's going to use all the trials I've been going through lately. I have no clue how, but it's definitely a learning process. Learning how to deal with the unexpected, learning how to deal with undesirable situations, embarassing circumstances that are out of my control, the loss of friends, etc. Hard situations like this bring revelation I think. It's showing me who I am, who God is, who my friends are, and who my friends aren't. Most of my friends are going to be at a church event tonight. The guys are fixing dinner for the girls and then the girls are hanging out, watching movies, and having a slumber party. All sounds like wonderful Christian fun. Until you start excluding and cutting off parts of the body. I was told I was not welcome because I might have a seizure again. I've gone through dealing with the pain and hurt that that brought me personally. It hurts to be excluded, especially for something so silly. No, I cannot promise I won't have a seizure, but should I live the rest of my life in a box in case I do? I say no, and I'm pretty sure God does too. I've moved on though from being broken for me to being broken for the body of Christ. What is this saying about Christians? What does this imply about the body? I feel strongly it is a very wrong interpretation of the body. For the body to work properly, all parts are necessary. You don't cut off parts of the body just because they aren't perfect. However, I've been cut off because I'm not perfect. Because I have an illness that could happen or not happen but it's out of my control. My heart is breaking for other members of the body that have been cut off and are being excluded for churches, Bible studies, etc. because they aren't perfect either. These are the ones we should be reaching out to all the more, not pushing away. My heart is breaking because this is the reason my parents aren't Christians. Because sadly all they see in Christians and Christianity is judgement, exclusions, hypocriticalness, and people not walking their talk. What would it look like if we all just loved EVERYONE like Jesus? Oh, I so desperately want to know! But for now, I dry the tears and move forward - pressing forward for HIS kingdom! I will not let Satan control my life through seizures and ungodly Christians. I will fight. I will love. I will praise Him.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your great. “I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:11-14